The Signs

I've always been a huge believer in God/ The Universe showing me signs after I pray for particular things. Either a situation will get better and things will change drastically or the situation will drastically get worse if I don't take heed to the signs (red flags) that I am given. 

Particularly in relationships. Since I've pretty much seen it all, done it all or it's been done to me, I know what it is. Some things that I've never encountered however are harder to pin point. What never fails though is my gut instinct. I know people often say don't think too much on one subject or one narrative or it will come to pass even if that's probably what IT WASNT in the beginning of it. I don't subscribe to the notion that you can think someone into cheating on you. Now you can push someone away to want to be with someone else if you're constantly blaming them when there is no evidence or reason to. In that case that's more of a bag lady or man situation on the blamers part. That one will hurt you way more than it will hurt the person that felt they dropped the dead, insecure weight that is you off where you stood. 

I've been so blind in love once and comfortable in my own uncomfortableness that my younger brother had to tell me my significant other was cheating due to all the things I was confiding in him. I thought this relationship was completely different as it had reached a level none of my previous ones did. In me thinking that, I didn't believe him. He ended up being right.. Ahhh, the shame after the fact! God gave me what I asked for. I asked for him to show me whether I should try to work it out prior to me finding that out. To let it just leave from me to never come back if it wasn't meant....... God sent my brother and I still didn't take heed to that until we were both finding new cribs apart.  Hindsight is 20/20. Do you know how it feels to go back through all the little nuances from a failed relationship to see at what period you should have known something wasn't right? Knowing that it wont solve a damn thing. The embarrassment. I digress...

Do you believe in love at first sight? I do.. I know it sounds fairytale, but when I think back to the two times I saw it and felt it there is no mistaken that, that's what it was. 

One time when I was 19 and once again when I was 26-ish.. Both were the same feeling. That catching one another's eye simultaneously and all of the air being let out of the room.. Everything else around you disappears for seconds that feel like minutes right before you introduce yourself. 

Now, back in the day I was very shy.. Still am for the most part but in both instances my shyness fell away and I asserted myself firmly showing my interest. It worked OFF TOP in both instances and the feelings were reciprocated both times.. I wont go into all of the details and what ultimately caused the demise of both, but they both were truly something to behold in this shallow world today..... The ease of it all. The blocking out the rest of the world and having a perfect existence together. The unspoken trust. The kind of love you feel in your stomach and your bones.. Both of you being each others best friend. Hardly being able to contain yourselves when you have good news to share and only want to share it with your other half.. You place no one above that person besides your God and parents. You finally got that shiny new toy that's all yours. Only yours.  You find something more beautiful about their being each day.. You respect them. Hang on their every word.. They find you just as mesmerizing and you never question that love you feel from them. The innocence of it all. The purity... Organic feelings.. You hardly even have to try. It just flows as it should.. 

I wont say this doesn't exist anymore or never will again. I am however saying it was way easier back then. Easier before you started messing with the wrong people that showed their entire ass to you. Showed you just how ugly things can get even when they claim "unconditional love" to you.. You find that some peoples love is very conditional. Very self serving. There is nothing organic and pure about that kind of love.. Because its rarely ever love anymore.. Its a bunch of lust and the here and now.. Manipulation and self serving at your expense. 

Actors and Actresses typically are only good in certain scenes and can only pretend for so long, before its time for the next take. Experiences have definitely jaded me, but I maintain my belief in love and love at first sight. I have too don't I? If I didn't the world would truly look like a cesspool of liars and meaningless interactions with a bunch of empty shells walking around waiting to steal light from someone else to fill their darkness. A bunch of pretty picture frames with no pictures..  In knowing all that I do, I still believe in love. Therefore, I also know when something isn't love and I don't choose to reside at that address. 

This may make people look at me like I'm always looking for the exit. When in actuality I'm always looking for that real entrance back into the Garden of Eden. I'm extra careful of who's garden I plant all of my seeds in. I wasn't born to spread mine around. I've never ran from that. I need to be settled, but not to settle. I want to be still and get that water and sunlight that I need to grow. To know I won't need to be uprooted and plotless.. 

Tru Straub 

Any questions or comments please feel free to email labelninesevensix@gmail.com. You can also check out my podcast; Label 1976 where ever you enjoy your podcast.